The Big Oil Leak: The Secret Plan to Beat Hugo Chavez

Washington's Brain Society (W's.B.S.), a conservative think tank,
inadvertently leaked to the press the secret plot that will render Hugo
completely harmless. Many propagandistic schemes have been spawned by
W's.B.S.'s cagey corporate executives, clever military strategists, and
cunning politicians, but never a plot so brilliant and undefeatable as
"Operation Crush Chavez."

Major elements of the CIA infiltrating the popular barrios of
Caracas and cocktail parties of the oligarchy have returned to W's.B.S.
with a frightening intelligence report on the activities of Hugo Chavez
that could spell the doom of our free wheeling-and-dealing capitalist
system. The good news is that after examining the report, a diabolical
plan by W's.B.S. was approved by the DOD, State Department, the major
oil cartels, and the White House that will outdo, squash, and vanquish
all support and world admiration for Hugo Chavez.

Everyone at W's.B.S. planning meeting was agape, agog, and
dumbfounded to learn that dastardly Chavez has persisted in launching
his populist, liberal, and socialist acts of provocation against our
neo-conservative free-for-all market created by the generous free world
nations under the wise guidance of the U.S.

Chavez, through his sneaky oil company CITGO, has been giving large
discounts on heating oil to poor households in the U.S. A slap in our
fine oil industry's face! That evil Venezuelan company has committed
$3.6 million to nine Bronx initiatives that foster community
empowerment and clean-up of the urban environment. Can you see the
nasty Chavez conspiracy? is the question W's.B.S. asks our government
and the American people. By the winter of 2006-2007, Chavez's program
doubled, delivering 100 million gallons to 1.2 million poor Americans,
from Alaskan natives to Vermont citizens. CITGO expects to supply 110
million gallons to America's poor this winter. Isn't that awful? It's
just to embarrass the superrich U.S. oil companies that receive
meritorious subsidies while faithfully accepting Americans' financial
sacrifice at the pump and concurrently refusing to pay abusive oil
royalties owed to the American people who never lifted a finger to earn
them.

According to W's.B.S., President Chavez is a terrible blackmailer!
Imagine sharing Venezuela's oil wealth with his poor and spoiling our
own people with unwanted welfare, which keeps our own poor from
learning how to pull themselves up by their bootstraps in the dead of
winter. Nevermind! Here is how W's.B.S proposes to fix this evil
do-gooder Chavez.

Politicos and big oil at W's.B.S. meeting agreed that this is
outrageous. Chavez' generosity is only propaganda and peanuts thrown to
"useless eaters," as Kissinger called the world's poor. "Operation
Crush Chavez," with full approval from big oil, a bribed Congress, and
the White House, will generously give 50 time as much, not just to a
few peripheral low class neighborhoods, but to every state in the
union. Get it?!!! When the American people discover that their own
great oil companies are much more generous than Chavez and his
socialist love-of-the-people nonsense, Chavez' popularity will sink and
he'll learn a lesson in humility. Since he's putting his money where
his mouth is, we'll outdo him 50 to 1!

According to W's.B.S., CITGO's nasty commie executives have been
visiting needy people in the Bronx more often than any American
corporate donor. How stupid can our business community be? We have to
outdo these radicals. The commies have been asking community groups
what kind of grants are needed, and based on what people wanted,
awarded one for a child care cooperative that helps working mothers
make a living. And the nerve of the nasty do-gooder and his Pollyanna
socialists to celebrate the completion of the cooperative with locals
over Venezuelan food — arepas and carne mechada — and Latin American
music!

"We'll show them towel-head lovers," said W's.B.S.'s Chair, "that
U.S. companies can do better than that. Our oil corporations will
quadruple that celebration with millions of healthy MacBurgers,
hotdogs, and Cokes, not just in the Bronx, but in every poor
neighborhood in America and at every gas station. And we'll double it
in Venezuela as well, to take the battle for hearts and minds to
Chavez' shores, just as we did in Iraq. That'll embarrass Chavez and
turn him green with envy. We know all kids love fast food, which is
excellent for their health according to Chamber of Nonsense &
Research financed by the fast food industries."

CITGO's winter oil program for the American people cost a paultry
$80 million, which is about the same amount that America's largest
publicly traded oil companies — with roughly 10 times the revenue —
spent on charity in the United States in 2006. How inconveniently
embarrassing. The Chair concluded: "We can do better for the American
people because we have the means to counterattack Chavez once we decide
to dip in our own deeper pockets."

Well, okay! "Operation Crush Chavez" intends to do much better!
According to W's.B.S., American capitalists have got to appear less
like Scrooges and more like Santas. They must throw an $800 million
bone to the public beast and show the whole world that America's big
oil and the Republican compassionate government are true Christians,
just like Pat Robertson, except for his stupid suggestion to
assassinate Hugo Chavez. (As BBC's investigative reporter Greg Palast
has suggested, Pat Robertson, in his Christian goodwill, cannot
separate Church and Hate).

We are pleased that our media is doing such a great job making
Chavez look like a petty miser commie. We instructed corporate media to
never publish important facts, like the fact that Chavez presided over
an 18% reduction in infant mortality, or the fact that Venezuela enjoys
a hearty 9.5% average annual economic growth rate, independent of oil
revenue, or the fact that 9 out of 10 media outlets in Venezuela are
private concerns, many of which are freely screaming opposition voices
that routinely attack the Chavez government.

The things Hugo Chavez has been doing have made our petroleum
industry executives very, very nervous. The Chavez-CITGO program is
“designed to embarrass us,” stated Larry Goldstein, president of the
New York based Petroleum Industry Research Foundation, when it was
launched in 2005. "[The Chavez-CITGO program] is not designed to help
poor people," said that super rich executive. "Chávez is astute,
clever, with a major political agenda, largely to get under our skin,
and he does that everywhere and anywhere he can."

We don't want the world to ever again hear appalling facts about
America's beggar class – its increasing homeless men, women, and
children, often freezing to death in the winter for lack of heat.
Unfortunately, as well policed as it is compared to the old Soviet
media, U.S. media is still too loose, and the damned Internet is
letting out too many disturbing facts. Control of the damned Net is our
next goal. Our citizens must never get facts about capitalist
oppression in the free world, but they do need protection from
socialist and environmental propaganda and from do-gooders like Chavez!

Gary Farber, a very poor American who can't afford medicine for his
very serious illness, offered some powerful suggestions to help
America. On his blog, Amigdala.blogspot.com — which he manages to keep
going thanks to small donations, even when he cannot afford to buy food
— this brave, poverty-stricken intellectual had the patriotic instinct
to help his country against Hugo Chavez by sparking the idea of
organizing the poisonous "Operation Crush Chavez." He wrote:

Wanna know how you can really get back at the evil commie dictator
Chavez for this propaganda coup? Really embarrass him and make him
squirm and sweat? Get under his skin?

Up your charitable donations by a factor of twenty, no, thirty, and
put the money largely in the form of long-term endowments and grants to
organizations and programs in poor neighborhoods around America, and
beat Chavez at his own game!

Make poor people love you! Think of the fantastic image improvement you'll have! Imagine how Chavez will be put in the dust!

That'll show that oppressive 'ol creepy dictator-y guy.

Upping your donations fifty times would be even better.

Do it because you hate Chavez so much. Use your hatred: it will make you stronger yet in the Dark Side.

I'm looking at you, Larry Goldstein. You'll serve your master well
by doing this and you'll be rewarded. With that Gary will assuredly
lift his fist in a commie salute using his extended middle finger.

W's.B.S. feels that the biggest challenge our government has with
Chavez is how to put down Venezuela's constitutional achievements. Like
the fact that it recognizes work at home is an economic activity
contributing to social welfare and wealth. Consequently, mothers, as
homemakers, are entitled to Social Security. Like Chavez' program
called "Mothers of the Barrio" — one more evil communist trick! Of
course, all the mothers among the vast majority of poor people love
Hugo Chavez. How can we beat down mothers?!

On top of that kind of relief for the poor, the evil dictator has
created free universal health care and free education, all the way to
college. Try and take that away from them and tell them we're
civilized! We need to double media misinformation or this commie do
gooder will cook us out of our comfort zone. Too much truth is leaking
out!

Our response must be one that will definitely crush Chavez. We must
divert 400 billion dollars of military illegal aggression expenditures
to give every American citizen free education and healthcare. Another
great idea! We can save 50% of current medical costs by firing all
bloodsucking, paper shuffling insurance companies. And another: we can
intensively regulate the pharmaceutical Frankenstein industry and save
many lives and countless billions. But, hold it! That's going to be
hard to accomplish cause we already spend billions for campaign finance
bribery. In fact, I'll probably get fired for writing this.

The money savings for our country will be so immense that we might
even end up paying all our debts in a few years and then Chavez'
socialist threat will vanish forever.

Imagine: in one single year we can bring Chavez to his knees,
restore peace and prosperity to our country, and end terrorism by
depriving all terrorist fools, both foreign and domestic, of any
motivation for killing us. It's so simple. All we need to do is stop
aggression, stop stealing others' resources, stop torture, end
violations of international law, and restore justice. Now I know for
sure that Washington will ask W's.B.S. to fire me and send me to
Guantanamo for leaking this story.

Anyway, before they do…by pretending we are civilized, we'll show
ourselves as worthy of respect as Hugo Chavez is…maybe even more, since
we'll have to spent more money than he. But our profits will more than
double, you can bet on that!